Today, a hidden camera show tried to catch me with my pants down and I had to explain that I had them down on purpose.
It was 10:30am and I was 30 minutes early for what I thought was an audition/interview for some acting gig. I mean, I was responding to an ad in Backstage.com after all. The reporting instructions were particularly obscure – report to 1450 Broadway and check in at the front desk of Buca di Beppo, next to the Viacom building. Turns out Buca Di Beppo is some cheesy Italian-themed restaurant chain. The kind of restaurant that preys on the middles of Middle-America. I spy a filming notice hanging on a side wall, inconspicuously placed by the elevator behind some fake plants. Naturally, I paused to consider the potential absurdity of the situation but thought, Hey, some of my most interesting stories start out like this, so fuck it!
I was asked to wait at the bar and I surveyed the menu while I waited to be called. “Fresh, authentic Italian food served family style. Perfect restaurant for small parties or large banquets.” Mussels Marinara, Fried Mozzarella, Fettucine Alfredo – I haven’t seen a less-inspired menu in over a decade. What the fuck am I doing here? If everything happens for a reason, this better be something good. Finally I get taken to the back dining area of the restaurant.
It was a fairly large room, all the tables were all set and where I’m seated there’s a couple of bread baskets on the tables. In the basket to my right, I can clearly see that there’s a hidden camera facing me, loosely covered with some bread rolls. What kind of amateur shit did I get myself into this time? Moments later, some beefy, serious-looking guy comes out and pretends to be walking by when he pretend-notices me. “David?? It’s Jason! You know, Dr. Po? Burning Man??” Pause. Did he just say Burning Man? There’s no fucking way he’s a Burner – this guy looks like a cop for days. He’s the kind of guy that if you spotted him on the playa, you’d tell all your friends to bike the other way as fast as you could. “You must have a better memory than me because I’m thinking we never met.” “We share the same dentist.” “No, I don’t think so. I’d remember a face like yours.” “I know about your sister’s death and your divorce. That’s so tragic.” “Yeah, well, I’m fine with it all now. Everything happens for a reason. I’m better and stronger today because of my experiences.”
Enter camera crew from the right. “Okay, you’re right. We don’t know each other. I’m Jason, host of a show called CyberWatch and I’m here to tell you that I found all this out by looking you up on social media.” His demeanor immediately turns menacing and he starts to shoot me some hard stares. I’m about to burst out into laughter. I’ve been stared down by a cop or two in my day and this whole situation is way too bizarre for me to take it seriously. Cool as a cucumber, I smile back. “Great! You looked me up. I figured that’s how you knew all this about me.” “You’re not concerned about all the things that I know about you?” “No, not really. I’ve been a promoter for many years, and now and actor, so I’ve always been a public kind of guy. I don’t mind – I’m used to it. And for the record, all my social media posts are calculated and deliberate.”
He tries to explain to me that all my information is public and that I can be easily spied on. “We just so happen to have an IT Security Specialist here and he’d like to tell you more about what people know about you.” Now we’re talking. “Awesome! I’m an IT Security expert. Let’s meet him.” He and the camera crew walk me over to this other cop-looking dude in a suit and I’m thinking, thank god I did my hair up this morning.
I forget the guy’s name but who cares – he goes, “You were in Bryant Park two days ago. People can track you.” I shrug and give him a look that says, So? “Yes, I posted that to Instagram. I wanted people to know that I’m at the Reading Room in Bryant Park.” Deadpan to inquisitive squint. “We read your rant about the Facebook messenger and how you think it’s dangerous.” Surprised. “Wow! You dug deep – that was a long time ago. To be honest, I’m not so concerned about all the privacy issues nowadays. It’s not like I’m sexting or engaging in any kind of immoral behavior. If people want to read my stuff, I welcome it.” Confident smile. “Well, I should tell you that there are many confidence scams going on where someone could learn about your vulnerabilities and try to use it against you… where they’d try and engage in a relationship with you in order to take advantage of you.” Excited and agreeing. “Oh yeah! I saw that on Dateline!” Awkward pause. “Right. This person may try pose as some beautiful woman online or in real life and may seem really sweet but is really trying to defraud you.” I ponder that for a minute – he’s absolutely right. I give him a heartfelt thank you for the sound advice. “Thank you for bringing that to my attention, really. You’re right. I do have to be careful about that. Lord knows I have a weakness for beautiful women.” That draws a laugh from everyone on set. I continue, “But you know, I have to say that I really don’t fear anything. I’m a deeply spiritual man and I know in my heart that God is protecting me. I have nothing to hide.” Checkmate.
“Well, thank you for your time, David. It was great talking with you.” Thank you’s all around. Smiles for the camera. I sign a release form and start packing up to go. I ask the Producer what channel it would air on and she tells me Channel 11. “Will I be notified if and when it airs?” “Well, if we decide to use you, we will let you know.”
I don’t think I’m going to make the cut. Shame – I was having such a good hair day!